Tips That Men Can Impress Their Ladies With On National Boyfriend’s Day

I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures.  I am however here to perhaps help those of you morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub or hold those male crown jewels.

In this day and age if you want to get sex something  you need to give woo something.  Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazy  psycho grumpy  mom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.

National Boyfriend's Day

Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA.  How lucky for them.  And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.

Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies.  In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.

*A note taped to the mirror.  It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note.  You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.

*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady.  It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway.  But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some.  If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!

*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it.  Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym.  Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.

*Give a compliment.  Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”.  It’s at least a compliment.  Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments.   We just like to feel appreciated.  Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.

*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time.  Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES.  And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper.  Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason?  The world would end.   So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead.  Say something funny.   Kiss her favorite spot.  Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.

National Boyfriend's Day Tips

*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice.  If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go.  Or do something out of the ordinary.  And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame.  Lame. Lame. Lame.  You don’t deserve a woman.

*Give her some time to herself.  Draw her a bubble bath.  Pour her a glass of her favorite poison.  Put on some of her favorite music.  Light some candles.  THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM!  Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing.  And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit.  Check to see if she needs a refill.  Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned.  Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed.  And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.

*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to.  There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to.  Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.

Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures.  It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA.  We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch.  You think we choose to be this way?  You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy?  The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.

National Boyfriend's Day

And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either.  There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you.  But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back.  Complaining about it does nothing.  Action does.


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Domesticated Momster

~Marriage Doesn’t Work On Auto-Pilot~

 marriage relationships love family couples 

Lately I have spent a lot of time reading articles about marriage and even dwelling into my own.  What makes them work? Why do they fall apart? Why are men and women so different?

This year of 2015 has been a trying one on my marriage.  It has to do with a number of reasons.

For 3 years prior we lived in separate places…5 hours apart…and only saw each other once or twice a month.  And it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder because when I finally got to see him I was so happy that there wasn’t any time to be upset about anything.   We had very little time together and didn’t want to spend it arguing about stupid stuff.

Now we are living under the same roof and as much as I love seeing and kissing his face everyday it also opens more doors and avenues to argue.  Usually because we are both tired and frustrated from the days we have had.  I think it’s easier for him to go to work and he thinks it’s easier for me to be home with the kids.  That is probably the base of every argument.  There was also a time in the beginning of the move that I resented him for taking a job that eventually caused me to make a decision to move. A place where I knew no one, he was the only adult I had to talk to, and he was gone 17 hours a day.

Now let’s add in that during the first part of the year I was taking anti-depressant medication which I had been put on after having my third and final child.  Being on it pretty much made me not care about anything including sex.  I didn’t care if we had it or not and for the most part I only did it as an obligation of being a wife.  I was also a bitch all the time.  Bitchy all the time and uninterested in sex can put a real strain on a marriage.  So I decided to quit taking the medication.

It took a long time for the medication to finally leave my system and as it did I noticed my sex drive returning which was great but I also started to notice that during my monthly cycle time I was pretty much on the verge of becoming a complete lunatic….and am still dealing with those emotions once a month.

This means he’s dealing with it too and how am I supposed to expect him to understand it when I don’t understand it myself???  I am horrible at the fact that I will sit and dwell on something, overthink it, and drain the life out of it until I then blow up at something as trivial as he didn’t answer a text message.

 marriage relationships struggles mental health love 
The female mind is such a frustrating mystery.  And for most men, including my husband, I am sure they wished there was just a switch to turn off the crazies…hell…so do I!

But there’s not.

There’s also the factor that my husband and I have not had an overnighter alone with just the two of us for almost 2 years now.  Sure we have date nights where we go out to dinner, maybe catch a movie or sometimes we are just so exhausted that when dinner is finished we drag ourselves home and to bed.  We have 4 kids living at home 3 of which are 5 and under…the oldest, luckily for us, is old enough to babysit so that we can have said date nights.  But I truly believe that mommies and daddies need time away to reconnect with one another without the stresses of everyday life.

But through all of these factors, the close calls of calling it quits, the fights, and the craziness in general…we have chosen not to give up.  We have chosen to keep our family unit connected and work on making our marriage better.  

 marriage relationships love family struggles  
We have made it clear to one another that we are the glue that bonds this family together and that with both of us coming from broken homes, we want to embrace every chance not to let that happen to our children.  And that doesn’t mean only staying together for the children because believe me I have read a lot of material on that lately and that’s unhealthier for the kids than splitting up.

We choose to stay together because we know we truly love each other and also because we realize that the good days are really REALLY good and as long as they continue to outweigh the bad days then the marriage is worth fighting for.


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The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

~National Kiss And Make-Up Day~

National Kiss And Make-up Day

Have you and your spouse, relative, or friend been fighting?  Well today is “National Kiss And Make-Up Day“.  Have you been pondering over killing apologizing to someone?  You and the other half happen to have a serious argument, squabble, disagreement, shitstorm, or falling out last night or even this morning?  Well then today is the day to put all the knives away from “National Knife Day” which was yesterday and chomp on a good old-fashioned piece of humble pie.

I will be the first to admit that I am horrible at holding grudges.  And even though I have forgiven someone I never forget their back stabbing, double crossing, wrong doing to me.  I have also been known to start an argument or 50 with my husband just to be nothing other than an asshole.  Argumentative behavior is some how in my nature.  Probably stemming from the fact that I come from a long line of arguers.

Here are some tools to avoid arguments:

Don’t have an opinion.  Especially if someone didn’t ask for your opinion.  No one cares about your opinion unless of course they ask then I say put it all out on the table.  This especially holds true for friends that look like they shouldn’t have left the house that day.  Unless they ask you how they look, just keep your mouth shut.  And then avoid them at all costs as not to be seen with said friend.

Try not to roll your eyes when someone says something stupid.  This is kind of just like having an opinion because the eye rolling is an obvious indication that what they are saying is not registering right with you nor do you think their brain capacity is much more than that of a small field mouse.

Don’t walk away while mumbling obscenities under your breath.  They will most surely ask “did you just say something” and then you will have to make up a lie and say “no, I didn’t say a word” which is turn could start  a serious argument.

Try to be a good listener.  Even if you could care less about what the other person is saying just stare them in the face and watch their lips move nodding from time to time and saying “uh-huh”.  Just don’t let them realize that you aren’t really paying attention to a single word escaping from their lips, because this could seriously set them off.

National Kiss And Make-Up Day Avoiding Arguments

Try not to wait long periods of time calling or texting.  This especially applies to relatives and friends, even though it’s just as easy for them to pick up the phone and do the same.  Yet some how they think of themselves as more important, and if not the recipients of such treatment, then somehow you just don’t care about them anymore.  Couldn’t possibly be because you are busy.  Friends and relatives who don’t have busy lives get upset very easily at yours.

Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.  This isn’t always an easy task especially if you find that the other person’s point of view makes no sense at all.  This also is hard to apply to alpha personalities because alphas think they know everything.  Not only do I live with one but I am one and therefore know this first hand.  If you are the bigger person and decide to just let whatever it is just roll off your shoulders, don’t start your next sentence with “but”.  This just opens a whole new can of worms.

Skip any heavy conversations if you are hungry.  Hunger causes misfiring in the brain and not only are you hungry and upset about being hungry but that in turn can make an argument over something as little as “Where the f**k do you want to eat?” into a full-blown attack on one another.  Obscenities will be fully heard loud and clear from anyone within a 50 yard radius.

Politics and religion should never be discussed.  It doesn’t matter who you are or who they are, there is always going to be disagreement in those two subjects.  And highly political or religious people should just be avoided at all costs.   Especially those who are always trying to shove their “opinions” down your throat.

Kiss Make-Up Avoid Arguing #Arguments

Walk away.  This is the absolutely the best way to avoid an argument.  Nothing more needs to be said.  This is especially great if an argument has already started too.  The other person will not only be more pissed that you are now avoiding the argument but will most likely not talk to you again for a period of time which then gives you the utter most peace and quiet.

This has been a public service announcement and I am not a relationship expert.  I share this information from my own personal experiences.


I Met Him On The Internet


Yep…that’s right…I met my husband on the internet… to be exact.

I had been doing the online dating thing for awhile.  Let’s face it, meeting random strangers on the internet is somewhat fun and entertaining.    Luckily the only “bad‘ thing that ever happened to me was someone had a picture posted that upon meeting them in person didn’t resemble them in the slightest way.  Not…even…close.


I had been dating someone for a short time and we had agreed not to seek any further “companions” on our dating sites.  Well he pissed me off one night…yeah it’s not really hard to piss me off…but none the less it was bad enough that as soon as I got home I booted up the computer and onto my dating pages I went.  I was curious to see what had been going on while I was away.


I scrolled through the photos of “page peepers” when suddenly one caught my eye.  He hadn’t left a message or anything but had simply viewed my profile(an option which you could deactivate if wanting to do so).  So in turn I viewed his.  Although profiles are never very in depth about who they are pertaining to his answers and “about me” section was enough to attract my attention.  The photos of his good looking mug were just a bonus…although they are what got me to stop and look in the first place.  I didn’t leave a message or even a hello…I just simply let him know that I too had looked at his profile.

A couple days passed and I decided to once again check my profile status.  And there he was again.  Still no comment or hello but simply just stopping by to take a peek at my profile.  WTF?  Why doesn’t he just say hello?  Is he dating site handicapped?  Is he waiting for me to make the first hello?  So being the straight forward person that I am I decided to take the initiative and send him a note.  It simply read:  “I noticed that we keep looking at each other’s profiles so I thought I would just say hello“.  I pondered hitting the send button but I did it anyway because quite frankly I think he was just a chicken shit.


Low and behold he wrote back!  We began chatting online and the fact that he could make me laugh just through words in a chat message registered in my mind that I surely wanted to meet him in person.  We had a lot of similar interests, one of the biggest being that we LOVED the same football team.  Yes this was a keeper!  ((hears ringing in her head))

Meeting him in person just confirmed all that I knew was already true.  He turned out to be exactly as his profile described him….AWESOME.  It didn’t take us long to realize that we were done with the dating pool and now 6 1/2 years later he still holds the key to my heart.

So if you are single and have been pondering the idea of online dating, I say go for it!  Because sometimes stepping outside the box can lead to amazing new adventures!!!


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Daddy Is On Night Shift

I have acquired a small list of pros and cons for my husband working shift work.  Particularly night shifts.


*I get the bed to myself.  I couldn’t stress more how great it is to be able to move freely without having to worry about whether or not I am keeping him awake.  I also love that I am not awakened in the middle of the night by his snoring which resembles that of a freight train.


Yes I snore too but I couldn’t find any funnies about women snoring.  ((smirks to self))


I have heard ^this a time or twelve.

Moving on…

*I also get total control of the remoteimages-10 which means that I get to watch whatever I want on TV without hearing “what are you watching?” in a “I am a man I don’t watch this crap” kind of voice.  This, of course, I take full advantage of and literally save up every episode of Housewives, Nashville, and any other “girl” related show that I currently like to watch, just for when he is on night shift.

*Taking a bath without being “interrupted”.  Meaning….well we don’t need to get into description here but if you are a woman with a man who sees you in the bathtub you know what I am talking about.  ((blushes))

images-11 expectation


*I don’t have to share my wine…I get the entire bottle to myself!

*I can go to sleep without feeling guilty about being too tired for “that


*It’s easier to think of “what’s for dinner” because I am only feeding the kids.  Kids are easy to feed…with the exception of the teenagers who sometimes frown upon what I have made.

*I can blog, play Farmville, or any other “me” addiction I currently have without feeling culpable about it taking up too much of my attention.


*I suddenly have writer’s block…

“Sister Wives”

No I am not one.  Although the idea of it has crossed my mind a time or two.  But I know in the deepest depths of my soul that sharing my man with another woman on a permanent basis would drive me to drink more wine then I already do.  Not only because of jealousy issues but for the pure fact that I wouldn’t want another woman prying in my own beliefs of how to raise my children or how to make my man happy.

I have followed the show “Sister Wives” through every season since the beginning.  Not because I agree or disagree with their lifestyle but because I am curious about it.  In the beginning they all seemed so united.   The children were much younger but when there were only 3 wives the dynamic seemed so much more simultaneous.  They worked as a team but were 3 individual mothers and wives.  They relied on one another and each knew their place.

Enter moving to Las Vegas, NV and adding a fourth wife

Now when I watch the show it seems like such a train wreck.  First of all why, after 15 years of the dynamic being the same, would “the husband” want to change it by adding another wife?  Not only another wife but a younger, thinner, and prettier wife?  I personally think religion has nothing to do with his behavior…I think he is just a typical male that doesn’t  want to be confined to only one female.  Therefore, human nature.  But somehow because they stamp a religion on it then it makes it “OK”.  Maybe ok for him but what I can see, in the expressions of his wives, is that everything has changed.  They no longer form a “unit”….they are now 4 individual units…living in four different houses….and none of them connecting as actual “sister wives”.

sister-wife (plural sister-wives)- In a polygamous marriage a woman who is simultaneously a sister, and co-wife to another. * 

One of the wives has even moved her mother in so that she has someone to help her with her children.  She has 3 sister wives (one of which has no children living at home anymore), yet she has to call on her own mother for help?  That in itself shows how much the “energy” between the wives has changed.  The only closeness I see in them is when they are all seated on the couch talking about the current episode.

I now see four women, who after years of giving up their lives to raise children and working together to do so, now wanting to gain their own independence and individualities apart from each other and “the husband”.  Like somehow burying themselves into “finding” themselves somehow takes the focus away from the fact that none of them are “happily” married.  And in my opinion, I think that leaving the situation is not an option for them.  Because leaving would mean failure.  Failure to a religious belief that life is supposed to be lived that way.  Therefore, giving up on the situation would be giving up on their religion.  But like I said…that’s just my opinion.

One man cannot be emotionally available for all those wives and children.  It is just not “humanly” possible.  But I will give him kudos for trying.  I will also give the wives kudos for trying to adapt to that lifestyle over and over again with no prevail.  And then having it publicly displayed on television for all the world to judge and form opinions about them.  And although I don’t agree or disagree with their lifestyle…I…like so many others have formed opinions about it.  But in the end it’s not our life to decide.  It’s theirs.  They chose it and they live it.  And they have taken the courage to share it with the rest of us…would you be so bold as to share your life and all your skeletons on public television?