House Cleaning Tips

I have always said that housework is not my life occupation profession business career “job description”.  I like to refer to myself as the president of this corporation I run, where from time to time the dreadful house cleaning must. be. done.

Now this isn’t going to be a list of actual house cleaning tips…but maybe you already guessed that.

This is what I feel about housework

Now I am not one to say that my house is anywhere near magazine looking.  Martha Stewart, I am not.  Martha Stewart would laugh at me and then we could sit back and share prison stories while she gave me some stock market tips.  **just roll with it**

There’s no “Homes And Gardens” knocking on my door.

Actually there’s no one knocking on my door…maybe because we have that bright red “NO SOLICITING” sign right in plain view.  Anyway…

And how about you men that stay home?  Are you all Mr. Clean’s?  Do you tread around the house with those magical white sponges, that I swear must have mother’s spit in them because they work so damn good.

I have finally learned to live by the motto that since I am the one who cleans, I will decide when and what gets cleaned.

housekeeping humor funny women

Now our house isn’t remotely close to an episode of Hoarders either.  There isn’t any bags of poo or 500 mice scurrying around inside our walls that we refer to as pets.  Yes I am aware that Hoarding is a disease and that most people don’t want to truly be that way but I am just making a point here.  (for all those easily offended)


I will tell you this though.  When I do clean something, I spend hours doing it.  The other night,  AFTER I put the kids to bed, I spent 3 hours in my very own kitchen scrubbing and disinfecting everything that had a surface.  And had it not been so late and I hadn’t had one too many whiskey on the rocks (it was Friday night people…pathetic…I know), I probably would have started organizing the 19 cabinet spaces our kitchen contains.  No, I don’t do meth, alcohol is like an energy drink for me.

And yes I do like to get a little drunk snockered inebriated  buzzed and then go on outrageous cleaning marathons, sometimes.  It makes it so less tedious.  Don’t judge me.

housekeeping humor funny women quote

I have been cleaning for over 30 years…personally I am quite sick of doing it.  And with 4 kids, a dog, and my husband…the struggle. is. real.  And yes they all have chores of their own to do, with the exception of my husband, but because I am so picky, I go around and still clean after they have cleaned.   My OCD has come a long way since having kids though.  When I was single and worked an obscene amount of hours…I had a maid.  And even after she would come, and even though the house was clean, my OCD would kick in and I would go and get the stuff that she missed.  Stuff that a normal person, without OCD, would have never noticed.


Any of my friends that knew me before I had kids, can speak for me that my house was “I’m hiding DNA evidence” clean.

Now days…whatever you do…don’t lift the couch cushions.

Don’t move the refrigerator or the washer and dryer for that matter.

Stay away from most drawers and cabinets in the utility room without signing an injury waiver first.


See the thing about house cleaning for me, is that it takes me so damn long to do one area of my house that it then takes me a day or two to recover before I get to another section.  Therefore, my house is never all clean in one day.  Actually there are just other things that I would truly rather be doing.

Here is the best house cleaning tip of all…WHEN IT’S DONE!


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Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. 😂😳  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.


No One’s Perfect,

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~History Of Housewives Part 2~

We left off in the 50’s era with my last post.   I am looking forward to the next chapter of history of housewives.  It’s getting closer to the era I grew up in.

1960’s ~ This is an era for women that the entire revolution of the “The American Woman” term is redefined. History Of Housewives #housewife  More woman are entering the workforce only to be sexually harassed and about a 60% pay income of that of their male companions.  Think I would have just rather stayed home and been a housewife quite honestly.

This is also the decade that birth control comes into play.  I would have to guess because most 60’s housewives were working part-time but still expected to take care of the kids and home.  Most husbands of this era were having affairs carried out on their said “business trips’ a stereotype that still lingers on today.

The housewife of the 1960’s worked hard and yet this was the decade that good old Uncle Sam said “house work” wasn’t considered a profession to claim head of household.  Here we are in 2015 and there still isn’t a little box that says “Keeping The Fucking  Fabulous House In Check”  And in the 60’s they were still expected to do housework while in a dress and heels and their hair done.

1970’s ~ The era of woman activists.  From everything to the Equal Rights Amendment being approved into the constitution to abortion rights.  Women began to construct their own feminist organizations and groups.  These included businesses such as art galleries, bookstores and daycare.  They began to speak out about the rights of their bodies and how no one else should have a say as to what they do with it.  Ford came into play as the president and so did the first lady in a 1976 August addition of Good Housekeeping stating:

“We have to take the ‘just’ out of ‘just a housewife’ and show our pride in having made the home and family our life’s work,” she said. “A woman who is satisfied with her life at home is just as liberated as a woman with a career outside the home.”

She wanted to change the word housewife to homemaker for staying home and taking care of the family was something to take pride in.  And that society should respect that choice.

History Of HousewivesThere were also shows like “The Brady Bunch” and “8 Is Enough” coming into circuit displaying blended families and no longer was it all about the “nuclear” family anymore.  “The Brady Bunch” even having a maid and the mother working outside of the home…sometimes even returning later than the husband.

1980’s ~ Now this is my decade.  Not as a housewife of course but the era of my precious youth and discovering my inner wild child.

The average home cost a little over $68,000 and by the end of the era almost doubled.  The average household income was $20,000 and by end of the era $27,000.  A gallon of gas was right around $1.00 and you could buy a brand new really nice car for $10,000.  And some of those cars are still on the road today because things were built to last.  Not like all this cheap, full of electronic garbo, that they manufacture today.

Housewives of the 1980’s were considered the retro housewives.  Gone were the days of always wearing a dress and heels when cleaning the house to now bringing into play the “designer jean” costing around $80 a pair and this was the 80’s.  When minimum wage was $2.85 an hour when I started in the working field.  Needless to say I didn’t have a lot of expensive designer jeans once I had to start buying my own.

In the 80’s 3 out of 5 families had both parents working just to keep up a standard of living.  This was also an era that women began to want to work rather than get married.  Being in the work force was now plenty acceptable and pretty much expected.  They began to realize that they could work and provide for themselves and their children and didn’t have to stay in unhappy marriages.

Studies showing that those who remained married, worked outside the home, and still managed to take care of “inside the home” were actually putting forth more labor than that of their husbands.  I wonder if this is where the average number of “blow-jobs sexual commitments” declines.  Because who wants to work full-time, come home and do housework, cook, and take care of the kids and then find the energy to please our husband? History Of Housewives housewife homemaker 1980s

1990’s ~ Most will say this was the best decade ever.  America was prospering under the Clinton administration.  The economy was rising at a rate of 4% a year.  The job market was great at over 1.5 million available.

As for the housewives of the 1990s the word “feminism” started to come into play and it wasn’t pretty.  Newspapers and magazines blamed everything from the rising rates of divorce to even rape all on that of  feminism.  The average housewife being fed up with having to constantly take care of the family.  No longer was it picture perfect housewife holding a pie or cleaning gadget but rather the new face of “Roseanne Barr“. History Of Housewives homemakers 1990s Tired from working all day and now expected to take care of the family.  All while muttering words of frustration and sarcasm.

History Of Housewives housewife homemaker 1990sOn the opposite spectrum was “Peg Bundy” also known as “the lazy housewife”.  Doesn’t work, doesn’t cook or clean, and is horrible at taking care of the children.  Her main focus being that of herself while she spends her husband’s hard earned money and expecting him to be ok with that.  Smoking cigarettes in the house and trying not to set her Aqua Net hair-do on fire.  Or the entire house with a cake she left in the oven.

2000 to current ~  It’s all about choices now.  In most marriages a choice is made whether the mother or in some cases father will stay home with the children.  Some of this is due to the rising costs of childcare and that the majority of one income would go towards said childcare.  These days it is ok to be either a woman at home or a woman in the corporate world.  But there are still so many stereotypes against the stay at home mother/ housewife/ homemaker.  I have news for all the ones who have never been a stay at home parent…it’s not easy.  It’s the hardest job I have ever had and I have worked a lot of jobs.

There’s also those “real housewives” portrayed on television that are anything short of the truth about being a housewife.  Those housewives make Peg Bundy and Roseanne Barr look like mothers’ of the year!

So what era would you have liked to have been a housewife in?

Let me know in the comments!

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~The History Of Housewives Part 1~

I have decided that since I am such an expert at being a housewife that why not write about the history of housewives? Actually if you asked my husband he would probably tell you that my housewife skills are lacking.  The laundry is piled high on top of the washer and dryer (hey at least it’s folded), the floors need a good mopping, and I will be the first to admit to making a meal the easiest way I know….in the crock pot (that chili sure smells good).

I tend to think that as long as the children are alive and happy then that’s all that truly matters.  The thing about housework is IT NEVER GOES AWAY!  It’s always there and dependable when you feel like setting flame to doing it, which for me would be NEVER.  Let’s take a little look into what housewives have been like through the decades.

History Of Housewives #housewives #mother #1900 twentieth century women
*Can you imagine how long laundry took?*

1900 ~ In the beginning of the twentieth century women didn’t have many rights.  They were pretty much expected to get married and have children while their husbands went to war or work and generated the household income.  If you were a woman and single in the early 1900’s then you got a job waitressing, cooking, housecleaning, sewing etc.  Sounds to me like there wasn’t really a difference between being single and married other than instead of only having a boss you also had a husband telling you what to do.

It was actually quite frowned upon to have women in the workforce in the early 1900’s.  I bet this meant that there were a lot of “unhappily” married women as well.

1910 ~ By 1910 there was a little over 23 percent of women in the workforce.  Mainly because so many men were called to war.  Washington State adopts women’s suffrage and starts the ball rolling on women’s right to vote.  In 1911 a factory fire kills over 140 workers, mostly which are young woman and commences labor reform.

History Of Housewives #homemaker #1910 #housewife #slave
*The only thing cool about being a housewife in this decade are the hats*

This decade was a popular one with the Titanic sinking in 1912 and WWI starting in 1917.  And wrapping up the decade with the outlawing of any selling or manufacturing of alcohol.  That was quite a crappy decade if you ask me.  To sum it up, to be a woman means you are a slave whether married or single, the men were all at war (and I’m pretty sure there weren’t vibrators back then), and booze is illegal meaning no cocktails for those really shitty shoddy days.

1920 ~ Also known as the roaring 20’s was a breakthrough for women.  Early in the decade women are given the right to vote and obtain equal rights as that of the opposite sex.  Divorce also became legal in this decade so you can imagine how high the rate was for that.

As for the housewives of the 1920’s, they were to keep a clean house all while looking their best.  I guess this means no running around in her pajama pants or underwear and hair in a messy bun all while scrubbing the toilet.  Late in the decade appliance companies began to market an assortment of “time-saving devices”.

History Of Housewives #housewife #caretaker #mother #wife #1920
*Who cleans house in dresses and uncomfortable shoes?*

Mothers were expected to wean their children from breastfeeding at exactly nine months and have them potty trained by an exact age whether they were ready or not.  Kissing or hugging your children in public was frowned upon and if a child acted spoiled the mother was blamed for giving too much affection to her children.  WTF?

1930 ~  Pretty much nothing changes in this decade for the housewives.  They are still trying to look their best and obtain a mark on society.  Here is an interesting marriage test written by a doctor in late 1939 made up of a demerit system.

1940 ~ This decade brings WWII and the first women’s baseball league.  Mid decade there are over 35 percent of woman in the workforce only to return to “female” roles after WWII ends.

As for the housewives of this decade they begin to learn how to live on a serious budget.  We are talking less than $20 a week to feed the average family of 4.  Still washing most clothes by hand including those wonderful reusable diapers.  I for one would have never survived having to clean out poop from a cloth.  If my kids have a number 2 accident these days…I just throw the undies away.  No I’m not kidding.History Of Housewives #housewife #caretaker #mother #wife #1940

Children took their naps outside and manners were strictly enforced.  Wash before dinner, no elbows on the table, never speak with food in your mouth, and you must be asked to be excused before leaving the table.  In my opinion, I think these rules should all still apply.  **bubble forms above head**

The housewives of the 40’s also put the needs of their husband high above their own.  I would have been a wife dead in the trunk of the car if I had been a 1940’s housewife.

History Of Housewives #housewife #wife #mother #caretaker #homemaker #19501950 ~ Along comes the decade of “I Love Lucy”, “Father Knows Best”, and “Leave It To Beaver” portraying the average housewife as loyal and domesticated individuals of suburbia.   They live for taking care of their homes and family all while still looking their best.

Most advertising images showed a woman in the kitchen, with a fake smile on her face, and high heels on, while holding in her hands either a pie or the latest model kitchen gadget or vacuum cleaner.  The house was spotless and dinner was served at the exact moment that the possessor of balls man of the house husband walked through the door from work.History Of Housewives #housewife #homemaker #mother #wife #1950   Like somehow cooking and cleaning was the only thing that brought smiles to these women’s faces back then.  It’s no wonder that on the other spectrum of 1950’s images shows women with a cigarette in one hand and a martini glass in the other.  Now days the cigarette is replaced by a pill bottle labeled Xanax, Valium, or Zoloft.

The number of women entering college declined in this decade and even the ones who did go onto finish college still ended up as homemakers.  Some of these girls/students/women even taking classes to prepare them to be housewives.  Society assuming that having the mother absent from the home, for any reason, meant bad parenting and somehow endangering the family unit also known as the nuclear family.

There you have it…six decades of housewives and I can honestly say that nothing much changed.  Women basically went from having no rights and not being treated equally to having rights but not using them and then still being treated unequally in the home by expecting to cater to the keeper of the penis man.  I will be interested to see what the next six decades will have to say….

To Be Continued

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Let’s Talk About Sex

Let’s Talk About Sex.

Oh The Mess

One would think that moving into a house that is twice as big as the one before would mean that there would be more space and less clutter right?  Absolutely wrong.  More space means just that more to fill up with toys, books, coloring pages, crayons, blankets, socks, shoes….the list goes on and on.


(this is my bedroom at this very moment…keep in mind it was clean this morning)

I used to be a clean freak.  And in freak I mean you could literally eat off my tiled floors.  I would spend hours cleaning even though I absolutely hated every minute of it.  Guess you could say I had a bit of OCD.  Even after I had my first child I still tried to keep up with the perfection of cleanliness.  As a mother you know what it is like after bringing home the first baby…you think everything that could happen is going to and that germs are the pernicious demons.  Like I could literally see the germs festering.  I don’t think I slept much in the first several months after bringing B home from the hospital.  And when I think back to it this sort of fog comes over my mind.


By my third child it was abundantly clear that cleaning was no longer at the top of my list anymore.  I had a 2 year old, 1 year old, a newborn, and a husband who worked out of town and was gone most of the time…oh and two teenage step sons to deal with…you could say I had more then enough on my plate.  But the mess still bothered me.  There were some days I would clean up my bedroom and then just hang out in there not venturing into the messy parts of the house.  It was my cave and it was clean.

Now as my kids get older the messes seem to get bigger and I have realized that I am out numbered 3 to 1.  Some days 5 to 1 because the teenage boys in the house like to do things such as stuff socks into the couch and leave half contained glasses of putrid liquid lurking in the shadows.  My 14 year old’s room is so scary that I keep the door closed and never go in there.  It looks like a waste haven. We discovered he was the messier one when the two older boys each got their own room.  They used to have to share a room and it was a constant “he did it…no he did”.  Well now we know.


When I finally do tire of the mess and decide to clean I just think to myself why bother cleaning when we all still live here.  It just seems so pointless because literally 30 minutes later the toys have been drug out or someone has eaten and made a mess in the kitchen and someone has touched the outside of the dishwasher (will they ever have a dishwasher surface that is truly smudge proof?).


Needless to say my OCD has subsided through the years in which I probably have Zoloft to thank for some of that.  Now don’t get me wrong…if I know someone is coming over I will do a quick run through the house like a mad woman on crack.  Therefore if you just drop by unannounced (which I hate I might add) be prepared to step on a lego and enter at your own risk…I am not responsible for what happens because you failed to give me a heads up.


Now if you have boys there is always going to be the faint smell of pee in the bathroom and no matter what you try to mask it with, it just doesn’t seem to work.  I think it stems from the middle of the night bathroom urges in which they stumble to the commode and then proceed to mark everywhere but inside it.  You would think they would just learn to sit down and urinate.


I have thought of getting a ROOMBAbut then it dawns on me that “toddler nation” would probably destroy it.  ((Pictures children trying to ride the $400 vacuum)).  Not to mention it would probably give our poor german sheppard an anxiety attack.


(where do I get one of these?)

Right now I should probably be cleaning something or folding some laundry but instead I am catching up on some blogging and you know what?  I don’t care…the mess will still be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that and I am ok with that.  I am ok because it’s my family and it’s our mess.  Now where is my wine and febreeze?

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